Last night, I spent almost two hours helping my sixth grader with his math homework. Both of us survived, thank you very much.
But it reminded me of this helpful, um, advice for parents I wrote a few years ago way back when the same kid was in third grade. The passage of time has not made me grow fonder.
Read at your own risk.
In Which I Share My True Feelings about Homework
Ah, homework, how I hate thee. I think I hate it more than my kids do. I balk and put it off. “Oh. we’ll do it after dinner.” The kids are happy to agree. And then after dinner, it’s sort of forgotten about until the next morning when we are racing around to get ready and pack lunches and find shoes and brush teeth. Plenty of time to add in a full page of math problems. More than enough time to read a story about George Washington and answer a question or three. No problem.
Wrong.
The worst of the worst homework is math homework. I think I’m a (fairly) competent, fully functioning adult. I have a college degree. I even graduated with honors (a completely useless fact, especially since I lose brain cells each time I give birth).
And yet this math homework might be the death of me.
Remember when math homework in the third grade was to memorize your multiplication facts so that you could kick everyone’s butt when you played “Around the World?”
Those days are long gone.
In Which I Share What Math Homework is Like Now
Directions: Please do this 15-step math problem. You have a quarter-inch of space to do it in. Write an accompanying essay on how you solved this problem; use pie charts, diagrams, and number graphs whenever possible. Repeat for questions 1-10. Remember to ask your parents to help you and then tell them they’re doing it wrong. Bonus points if you make them feel like an idiot.
Listen up, parents. Tonight I came up with a new way to do this whole helping-the-kids-with-math-homework. It is the answer to all your cries to heaven to make the *math homework go away in just three easy steps.
You. Are. Welcome.
*Note: This method works on any homework for any subject area. Look how versatile it is!
In Which I Solve All Your Math Homework Woes
Step One: You need the proper supplies:
—Homework folder: This is likely crammed in the very bottom of your child’s backpack along with a leftover banana from last week’s lunch, one used gym sock, and the library book your kid swore he or she couldn’t find and you paid $21.95 for last month after receiving increasingly aggressive emails from the school library. Ideally, said folder should contain the actual homework but it’s really a crapshoot. Good luck.
—A Sharpened Pencil: When in a pinch, a Sharpie, highlighter, or tube of lipstick can also be used. I’m sure the teacher will understand if you explain the pencil your child brought home from school is slightly smaller than a paperclip, is unsharpened, and has teeth marks where the eraser should be.
—*Wine: For obvious reason.
*Note: Please feel free to substitute wine for other acceptable treats depending on your dietary needs. For example, baby carrots, kale chips, dairy-free cheese, gluten-free pretzels, cheese puffs, an entire jar of Nutella eaten with a spoon, your kids’ Halloween candy–only the good stuff though, ice cream with the cherry on top, hard liquor, jello shots, etc.
Step Two: Every time one of the following phrases is said (by you or your child), take a healthy sip of wine:
- “I hate homework.”
- “That’s not how you do it.”
- “I hate math.”
- “Why does the kid in this math problem have such a weird name?”
- “I don’t know.”
- “I don’t care what the answer is.”
- “Why can’t your father help you with your homework?”
- “I can’t find my pencil.”
Step Three: Who cares? At this point, I can’t really remember if we have finished the assignment or not. But I sure am a lot more relaxed.
I told you it was easy.
*Note to self: Get more wine before picking the kids up from school tomorrow.